What Hurts the Most
by look2thesky7
Summary: She loved him and never told him. Did he love her? Hermione reflects on her sorrow as she thinks of what she should have said before it was too late...and he was gone. HGSS. Sort of a songfic.


Sitting awake in an armchair by a dying fire was nearly comforting to her. A blanket wrapped loosely around her small figure, coffee mug in her hands, she stared into the glowing embers as the rain pounded on the windows outside. It didn't bother her, listening to the drops as they struck rooftop. She could take it; it was kind of soothing. It was the fact that it was under an empty roof with which she sat that unnerved her so.

At times, it was almost easier to take the tears when they came and let them out. She was not afraid to cry, not every once in a while; at least she wasn't afraid to cry when she was _alone_. Around everyone else was a different story. Around everyone else, she would be strong; she had to be.

It was so strange living right now; living while the one she loved was gone. Yes, she told herself, she had loved him. The brilliant, cunning, dark and rugged man who, despite his sometimes unwavering temper and downright stubborn demeanor, had become a reason to push forward in the times of sorrow that had consumed them. But now, she was being consumed in sorrow alone.

She had cursed herself, over and over again, for not telling him; for not saying what she knew she felt in her heart...the feelings she thought maybe he returned, but would need time to say.

_Things could have been so different..._

It was during the days she had to pretend to be ok, to put on a face for everyone around her. When night came was when she had to submit to her mind; there was nothing to distract her then.

Everywhere she went now, she seemed to have to deal with the pain. The smallest things were there to remind her, nearly taunting her. It was difficult to go out and be around her smiling friends who wanted it to be like old times again—the second war was over for the Wizarding World...

The internal war was just beginning for her.

She felt tired all of the time. There were days in the beginning of it all that she couldn't even seem to get out of bed in the morning and would curl up in a ball, the tears coming and going as they pleased. Memories would flash violently in her mind in her dreams and during the daytime when she least expected them. It was the sheer fact that they had been so close to saying it to each other that got to her the most. So close, but oh so far...

Now she would never know what could have been. She berated herself that she had not seen this coming, had not understood her true feelings until it was too late...and there was no way to know.

She hated not knowing.

She hated _herself._

There was still so much left to say.

Watching that day as he walked towards the raging battle, she wondered why she didn't find the courage to stop him...stop him and tell him everything. She could still feel how her heart pounded as he went further from her, closer to death.

Maybe it would have changed something.

Perhaps baring her soul and having him laugh in her face would have been better compared to the torture she felt now, the agony. At least then, she would have known how he felt, and better yet, gotten all that she had wanted to say out of herself. He would have known.

Why didn't she do it?

Maybe stopping him could have changed his destiny.

--

_"Is this where you saw yourself when you were a child," she nearly teased, a slight grin playing about her mouth. _

_"Yes, of course," he replied sardonically. "What child doesn't aspire to be like this?" He motioned to himself; an eyebrow raised, probably at how stupid he thought her question was. _

_She grinned broader at him from where she sat, watching him work, knowing he was playing with her. _

_"Why do you ask?"_

_She shrugged. "We're days away from an event that is likely to decide our fates...I was just thinking aloud I suppose. Did you ever think you'd be here...right now...?"_

_He didn't answer right away, but continued stirring the potion in front of him, seeming to be thinking it over. Right when she thought perhaps he wouldn't answer, he drew breath to speak. _

_"I knew the day would come...this war was always inevitable," he said thoughtfully. "However, if you speak of the circumstances of which I am now in, then no, I never foresaw this."_

_"You mean me being here..." Not a question, but knowing statement. She hadn't dreamed she'd be sitting here right now either._

_A subtle nod was all she received. _

_"Do you see me in your future," she tried abruptly, noting how he stiffened slightly, but immediately relaxed again._

_"I have no doubt that your presence will be in my future...I don't believe I even have a choice in the matter, do I?" _

_She could see the corners of his mouth slightly twitch upward, she herself smiling, accepting that that was as close of a straight answer she would get from him. _

_Several moments of silence followed before he spoke up again. "And what do you see in your future?" He glanced at her out of the corner of her eye, watching her expression change from surprise to thoughtfulness. _

_"I see..." she started, many things actually running through her mind, unsure of which ones she should even say to him...if it was even the right time. "...I see books—"_

_"As always," he interrupted with half a smirk. _

_She ignored him. "—And friends...a career, perhaps? Less formidable company than I'm in now," she teased. _

_He let out a low chuckle. She smiled at his back. _

_"Pass me that wormwood you're nearly sitting on." _

--

A single tear made its way down her face. She did not flinch when it hit her hand unexpectantly. The rain had ceased while she mulled all of this over and over again in her mind. The fire was long since out and she was starting to shake.

Tugging the blanket around her further, she slid out of the chair and stood, wavering on her feet momentarily, and then almost in a trance, went to the door.

The cool breeze hit her face expectantly; the smell was a promise of more rain soon to come. She breathed in a deep breath and let it out slowly, whisps of nearly flat curls snaking around her face as the breeze blew them gently.

She blended with the dark landscape as she moved across the lawn, slowly but with determination, a destination in mind.

The breeze picked up near the lake, thunder rumbling to threaten how near the rain was, but still it did not cause her to go back.

Abandoning the blanket that had made the journey outside on her shoulders on a nearby boulder, she slowly, robotically came right up next to a small gathering of tombstones; those who were lost in the Final Battle.

Emotions swept over her as she remembered the fallen: her friends, people she loved and admired, and one that fit into all of the above...and could have been more.

His was off to the side more, separated from the rest for reasons unknown.

Stopping in front of the isolated grave, she went slowly to her knees, one hand trailing across the engraving as if it was the most fragile thing in the world. The back of her other hand came up to her face to stifle a cry.

Quiet tears soon found their way down her face. She didn't sob or wail or moan; she only allowed the streaming tears to come as they pleased, knowing there was no stopping it now.

Her breath shuddered as she inhaled...and exhaled...she meant to speak, but her voice only came out in no more than a whisper:

"I had so much to say to you, why did I let you walk away?"

She paused, as if the stone would answer her. The rain still came down in sheets, covering, consuming her.

She hardly noticed.

"I'm so sorry...I loved you." Staggered breath. "I _love_ you." It was said through a strangled, yet quiet cry. She paused for what seemed like forever before speaking again. "You asked me—what I saw—for my future..." she trailed off, closing her eyes and shaking her head in remembrance, trying to choke back more tears, trying to breathe, wondering why she had given such a childish answer when they'd been having the conversation; why had she lied?

Now she was telling the truth to his grave.

"I saw you." She kept shaking her head, the tears and emotions unable to be contained any longer. "_I saw you_..."


End file.
